By Paullitely, 2007
Why Men are Insensitive
Before we are old enough to remember (so they think, but I DO remember), they bundle us to the doctor and he surgically removes some of the most sensitive part of the anatomy with or without anesthesia. Ouch! This then gets a bulky and abrasive bandage put on it that cannot be removed without the tape sticking. Of course, it has to be replaced many times over the weeks it takes to heal. It hurts and it itches. It gets fiddled with a lot. It heals.
NOW, the OTHER, even MORE SENSITIVE part of that anatomy is rubbing around exposed, uncovered, and unprotected in the diaper or underwear FOREVER. Wow! How can you concentrate on anything else with all this irritation going on constantly. No wonder there are so many “Dick Heads” to match the “Crabby Bitches” in this world. Every movement is another stimulation directed to the erotic lobes of the brain. Logical thought has to struggle hard to prevail under those conditions (ergo the species “Dopus Erectus”).
Then, the hormones kick in with puberty. Yes, like a junkie’s rush, whoosh! There goes any remaining semblance of logical, rational thought. Then, one day, there is this hardness with a mind of its own, and more irritation. With this comes a torrent of hormones. What a rush. What a ride. Yep, and meanwhile we boys are getting exhilarating muscular bulges and curves. And….OMG (Oh My God!)…the same kind of thing is happening to those tender young girl-children! They change shape into the most delightful, deliciously bulged and curved creatures we notice radar-like even two blocks away. What is this feeling? It is so powerful! I’m out of control, and I like it.
Now, all these bulges and curves of smooth tender skin are not being covered up to minimize the visual stimulation. Don’t they know it goes straight to the erotic total-brain with hormones streaming through it? Oh no. Instead, it is all being exaggerated and accentuated with bare skin, tight clothing, blush and lipstick and eyeliner and hair and high heels and glitter and suggestive music on and on and on. It’s PRE-MEDITATED TORTURE! Oh, just those fuzzy sweaters back when I was in High School were untouchably impossibly tempting. Now, it’s Victorias Secret catalog on the school grounds. The daddy’s little girls shine their big crystal eyes and speak oh so delectably, giggle, and compete coyly with each other to see how far off balance they can get the boys by looking and acting “Sexy”. To us boys, it is way over the top that the girls are doing these things. There just is no need for any more stimulation! Pouring gasoline on the fire! Mothers…..Fathers….What are you thinking to permit or encourage those girls? You know that the logical result is likely to be premature PG. As for the boys with the above mentioned irritation in their underwear, well…. They are literally ballistic.
So then, we boys-going-to-men have to work very hard at finding alternatives to put our minds on. Sports, Cars, Drinking, Video Games, Daredevil antics, any kind of totally absorbing distraction, This helps to make for some semblance of balance so we don’t succumb to being the total sex maniacs our hormones and environment encourage. We try to be in control. We try to be tough. WE HAVE TO BE INSENSITIVE! This is fed by all the other male instincts… to be the brawny, brainy, successful, flashy ALPHA bull-male who beats all and wins the females for his harem. And the girls will fawn over us then, we think, right? Hmmm.
But, the reminders and cues to the driving force for procreation are everywhere. So, we perhaps get careless and get married (read this as “pregnant”) and have children too early…. Before our ability to be a career bread winner is established. Well, we were preoccupied, and there is always lots of time because we are young studs, right? Wrong! After two to ten years of stress, beating your head against the wall trying to make ends meet and keep sane in a world of cranky bitches and screaming self-centered brats, sanity dictates divorce. IT MAKES YOU INSENSITIVE. So. . . . . . , it would have been better to wait, right?
Wrong! If you didn’t cave in to your sexuality and grab one of those blank-slate ideal beauties early, then you have to get them on the rebound. Unlike leftover you, who waited, the good ones you remember most got snapped up. As for those that remain? Well, there must be a reason they are still unattached. Yeah, just like you. There are always some holes in their makeup. Nobody is perfect, even if we think it is possible. So, you find your high school sweetheart ten years out of high school a little worse for wear, and fall in love all over again with who she was back then. But now, you get her, plus her two kids and ex-husband baggage as bonuses. DONT BE TOO SENSITIVE. Just be happy.
Wrong also, even if you got married early and had your own kids and divorce first. Well, if you didn’t do that, then surely you didn’t waste your time drinking beer, playing sports, polishing cars and chasing one-night stands. Or did you? You could have kept yourself distracted long enough with education to have a career that pays well. After awhile, you also get to when the underwear doesn’t grate quite so much as it did over the last thirty years. YOU HAVE BECOME INSENSITIVE.
If you got it right, life is quite comfortable except for the Abominable Teenagers. Now, here is an education in itself to see what you were like from the other side…. The Parents! Now, if teenagers won’t take responsibility for anything, the PARENTS must take responsibility for everything, and then its holy hell and nuclear war. So, you are the stuckee. Stand and fight, or Duck and cover. TURN YOUR INSENSITIVITY on and off spontaneously to adapt.
Then, the wife hits her stride sexually. Whoa, if only I was 18 again! It is quite exciting, but I’ve grown a bit tired of this bait-and-bitch game women have been playing on me for so many years. It may get them off, but it’s not so cute anymore. I am more “Mature” (and look it). Did they have to be so insecure and unsure and manipulative back then when they had the bodies of Venus? Now they are Venus on the inside. Is that Mrs. Robinson peeking (peaking?) out? Is she looking away? If only I still had the body of Mars. The female estrus keeps us up at night and their shopping keeps us working during the day. No wonder men have shorter life expectancies. Oh, yes, I am enjoying it. But my candles are burning at both ends! I like my cigar too, but give me some golf once in a while (to paraphrase Groucho Marx). IT HELPS TO BE INSENSITIVE SO YOU CAN LAST.
The next stage is Men-no-pause. It gives men no pause. What was a rational life partner becomes Ms. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde. Watch out, it must be something you’ve done or didn’t do. But what was it? I don’t know, but I had better not try to find out because I am supposed to know. No Pause. No quarter. Now I know the true meaning of “Approach Avoidance”. I need some distractions again. I go back to sports, cars, boats, games, and erotic alpha male daydreams. How long does this physical-emotional schizophrenia last? DON’T BE TOO SENSITIVE, or you will get whip-sawed again!
And then, it’s off to Viagra land, when the body is unwilling and INSENSITIVE, but the mind remembers the distant pleasurable past. Parts of the sex machine are wearing out. It is hard to pee, and it happens too often. It may mean that your sex machine will kill you with prostate cancer. Turn up the pacemaker, but slow down the pace. Now, we men don’t have quite as many old friends as before because they didn’t get as old as we did. This hurts because we don’t seem to be as close to our remaining friends as the “sensitive” women are. Fortunately, we can remember the good ‘ol times and laugh at our bold INSENSITIVE audacious past to feel young again. If we are lucky, we haven’t been quite so INSENSITIVE, and our partner is our lover, our best friend, our confidant, and our business associate. After a good strong life, “Fade into the sunset”. OR, if we have not been so lucky, we have to APPEAR TO BE SENSITIVE all the time, to live with one of those “Crabby Bitches” until we die before they do.
So, THAT is why men are INSENSITIVE!
________________________________________
NEXT PAGE: Why Women are CRABBY
by Unknown, 2007?
Why Women Are Crabby
We started to “bud” in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn’t even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn’t end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it’ was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn’t spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary’s Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee’d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, “Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10),” warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that “cute” wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their “Teen Years.” Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40’s – while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: “The Menopause” (What do MEN have to do with it?), “The Grandmother of all womanhood”. It’s either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned “buds” or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life’s cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks…
So, while I love being a woman, “Womanhood” would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the “Weaker Sex”? Yeah, right. Bite me.
Send this to seven bright women you know and make their day!!! Or at least make them laugh a little…..
Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow – what a ride!’ “
paullitely 